Love to Give

We put Coda down this morning and cried our goodbyes. While reflecting with Kevin, I named the hardest thing to lose in her was how much she taught me to love. It can sound like one of those hokey emails, but she was genuinely the most forgiving creature. Her simplicity has taught us to be grateful for everything, that love given is always worthwhile and appreciated, and that even when we do things we don't mean to do, one can recognize when love is there and someone is worth coming back to adore again.

It's hard to believe the emptiness feels this big, but it's there waiting. I'm choosing now to fill it with both memories and the recognition that I have learned I have a lot of love to give. I just need to be aware that I have it to give.

Slowly saying goodbye

Most of you who know me know that when I got married, perhaps even when I met Kevin, I adopted a wonderful dog named Coda into my life. She quickly became my dog. She always chose me to sit down and cuddle. She wanted me to play with her. Truly, she is Kevin's first dog and we've been talking lately about how she has been there through some of the most formative years in his life. I dare say, even though I've only known her for four and half, I feel the same way.

Five days ago, Coda had a seizure. In the last three days, she's had seven or more. It has been a very frightening experience for me. I have a nephew who deals with seizures too, and I can tell you that neither is fun to watch. One is supposed to be calm to help calm the seizures, but I can't help but burst into tears. The fact that these have come on so quickly make me fear the worst. The times between the seizures when she is her the "real Coda" are fewer and further between.

I think partly I relive the time with my nephew when she has these episodes. She loses control, and I can't explain to her why or help her see the signs to let her know to relax. My nephew was less than a year old when he started having seizures, so explaining even in simple terms wasn't helpful. Coda seems to frightened her too, when she can't walk afterwards, or do other basic things like swallowing. I am frightened to leave her alone at all during the day; I can't imagine anything wanting to wake up from such an experience alone.

And yet, the longer this goes on, the more disoriented she is. She does feel she is alone. She doesn't recognize us at first. Today's was the scariest, as she spent a long time pacing, unable to control any part of her body, and it took an hour before she realized that water was there for her to drink. Her basic instincts are taking too long to be instinctual.

We are on some last chance medication to see if we can improve the quality of her life, reducing seizures and trying to get the toxins out of her body. I am trying, as is Kevin, to make sure she is comfortable, walking beside here anytime she is up and walking, laying beside her as we can, petting her to let her know we're there. It's just so hard to communicate the depth of love we feel for her, and making these kinds of decisions about her life and death feel like they leave us short handed. We don't feel like we know what to do. Putting her down feels like leaves us without the time we wanted to communicate our love and care. Yet not putting her down means she might be suffering all the more. We are going to wait the night to see what we have to do next, but we know that if it is not tomorrow, it will have to be sooner than we want.

Most Wonderful Time

Well, friends, it has been too long since I have blogged here. I've found reasons to be busy, as well as a full week being sick with the worst virus I've ever had, plus reliving an ear infection from childhood past. I'm glad that's over--and just in time for my favorite season of all--Advent.

In the past few weeks, we've found a church to call home. It's a United Church of Christ, which has many familiar pieces to Baptists while being very distinct. The pastors of the church are equally gifted and creative. I've learned a lot in the four services we've been to thus far, and I am looking forward to celebrating Advent with them.

This part of a confessional prayer struck a chord with me, especially as I have been waiting for my ear to clear up so that I can hear properly again:

"Creator God, we confess we can be an impatient people used to expecting instant delivery. At times we forget how waiting can give birth to a needed patience and greater appreciation of our many blessings. Heal and forgive us, we pray."

Also, we stated together this confession of faith (which other weeks has been a creed, such as the Nicene creed, or others).

~We believe in God, who for love's sake comes to us over and over again,

A God of mystery and grace who is not persuaded by our impatience, anxiety, or need for certainty,

yet guided only by a strong, holy desire for the well-being of all.

We believe in Jesus the Christ, who through enduring trust and courage showed us the way to live in God with compassionate hearts, willing hands, and an open, searching mind.

We believe in the Spirit who continues to breathe life into creation; hope for earth's renewal, and en endless passion for lasting and just peace in our time.

We are the people of God. We live in the midst of life's uncertainties, and do not pretend to know too much. Yet in God's good grace we will continue to yearn for and work toward that coming day where love is fully known and God's glory is everywhere to be seen. ~

The last part, that spoke powerfully to me was the hymn "Spirit of Jesus, If I Love My Neighbor." I haven't found the lyrics yet, but the hymn was poignant in a way I haven't seen in a long time.

The church already supports a regular "Healing Touch" clinic, which in my mind, is connected to Natural Spirituality. I want to pose the question of starting a Dream Group here in the near future (which could be a few years--I may have to graduate from the Dream Leader program to be a responsible Dream Leader).

Needless to say, I am excited. Every other church we visited had it's gifts, but I always felt I was coming away a little disappointed because it was missing something (inevitably that I was connecting to my previous church). But we have found a home, a family that will help us to grow in faith together. I am looking forward to how I can offer my gifts in simple ways, while continuing to be faithful to the students at the college.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Neighborliness

I took our dog, Coda, on a short walk this evening around the neighborhood closest to our apartment. It's a lovely place. Kevin and I have thought long and hard about moving there if the right house came open at the right time. (Also, it's extremely convenient because we wouldn't have to rent a truck--we could walk our stuff right over!) It seems very friendly, but I didn't know just how friendly until this evening.

At the end of the block, there was a little girl outside, drawing on some paper as she knelt on her driveway. She was adorable--for me, the perfect little girl in that she was short, her clothes were a little frilly, and her curly hair was standing almost straight up from every end. Her parents were also no where in sight. At first, I thought she was coloring with sidewalk chalk, but the paper curled up and I saw it was some kind of glitter crayon she was using. She looked up as I walked by and said simply, "Hello!" "Hi there," I replied. "That's really beautiful," I continued, realizing that she had cut the paper out to look like wings of some sort, or a sort of butterfly.

"Do you want one?" she asked me. As I started mumbling something about not wanting to take what was hers, she ran towards me, one half of a pale green wing (or perhaps a leaf), smattered in red glitter, was making its way toward my hand. "Thank you!" I said as she put the leaf in my hand and made sure I had a firm grip on it. And with that, she went back to coloring, almost as if she was getting the next one ready for the following passerby.

I thought to myself, I hope that I can have that kind of attitude about my neighbors. If each of us were so willing to give our gifts to others, to believe that those things we have to offer could actually bring some joy to another person's life, I wonder how much more we would be willing to give.

3 Saturdays in a row

It's fall break around here, and I have been enjoying some down time with my husband before we both go back to work on Monday! That's right, I got a job! I am now a chaplain at the college, and very excited about it because it I get to be very much a campus pastor in the role. It feels like the job really fits who I am. Getting to be in an extraverted work environment will also probably do wonders for my energy level. While there is a very small part of me that will miss the time I've had at home, I think I will truly enjoy it all the more working part time and having an excuse to get out of the house.

So to celebrate this weekend, we have been enjoying some things we like to do regularly, along with some new things. Yesterday, we had a nice day biking around town, shopping and doing a little reading. It felt like a nice, slow Saturday. Today, we went to the Lancaster Central Market, partly because I had a craving for Middle Eastern food and fresh vegetables. The people who run the place are from Jordan and Israel, and the food they make is incredible. I bought some homemade whole wheat pita bread, stuffed grape leaves (wonderfully spiced), falafel (also deliciously spiced), a vegetable pie and a spanakopita.

After that, we toured one of the downtown museums, and then took the long way home through some of the most beautiful farmland I have ever seen. I reflected on the awe I felt while looking out the car window. The fields still held on to their deep, nourished green color except for the corn fields, which contrasted with it's faint browns and pale yellows.

Tomorrow, I hope to pick some apples, visit Kevin's uncle in Maryland, and take my first tour through a Trader Joes, which is what every first year professor (aside from Kevin) seems to be missing most in this part of Pennsylvania. We hope to see what all the fuss is about (some of these folks are self-proclaimed addicts!).

That said, we have felt that every day since Thursday has felt very much like a Saturday. Whether at work or at play, we have been enjoying the slow pace of a relaxed extended weekend and more so, time in the company of one another.

Back to "Normal"

After a two week hiatus from blogging, I am back to what I hope will be a somewhat "normal" routine. A lot has happened in the last two weeks. A trip to Georgia, renting our house, a job interview and a crummy cold that knocked both Kevin and I on our backs for short while.

The week in Georgia was wonderful and a little intense at the same time. We put down new carpet in our house, and at the same time the official measurements were being taken, I was showing the house to our new renters. I went around to visit as many people as I could in the in-between time. It was strange, because as good as it was to be there, it was the first time that Athens didn't feel like home. Hard as that is, I think I am moving through my grieving Athens pretty well. What has been difficult is finding my rhythm back home in Pennsylvania.

Since I have been back at the apartment, I've had a cold, it's gotten cold and we've had a few consecutive rainy/overcast days. It's been very hard to get back into a normal routine of writing, reading, etc. During the days I was sick, I watched an abhorrent amount of television because my eyes crossed to read anything (not even the computer). I can't remember much from that time, but it was really unimpressive anyway.

This week, however, I feel a new energy. I signed up to volunteer at the local library. I thought it would be a good way to meet people in town. I am waiting to hear back about the job, but I tackled some tasks around the apartment that felt like I was truly continuing to purge and organize.

More posts to come soon, on sleep cycles, job changes, and continued learnings on forgiveness.

Writing on a rainy day in E-town

I am sitting in a dimly lit, spacious coffee shop called Folklore Coffee in the heart of Elizabethtown (which, will henceforth be known as E-town. I'm learning no one wants to take the time to say or spell out the whole name around here). It has been cloudy all afternoon, with showers of rain spattering over the county ever half hour or so. It's a lovely day for work in a coffee shop.

I have been writing a short story, inspired by NPR's challenge to do so. It is strange how limits can be such a challenge in either direction. When I wrote sermons, getting to my 4 page, single-spaced minimum seemed like the most difficult challenge I encountered time after time. I never felt like I had done it enough to make sermon-writing come as effortlessly as it seemed for some. I usually enjoy the experience as I got into the preaching part (if I liked my sermon by the time I had gotten to that point. If I did like it, it seemed I always knew my sermon better too, as if it was a part of me). But my sermons were always on the short side. Twelve to fifteen minutes at most. By that fourth page, I always ran out of things to say anyway.

This is completely different. I have 600 words. I have used about 200 words in my blog already! I can't imagine telling a whole story in that short a space/time. But I am trying it; it's proving to be a challenging exercise in vocabulary and brevity.

My other challenge is that I never know where I am going with anything until I get there. If I write an outline, I almost never stick with it (and if I had to turn in an outline, I would modify it at the end of the paper writing to match up again). One sentence turns out another, but I have no idea what it will be until it the previous one is there. The instructions for this particular piece is that we have been provided with the first and last sentences. And I must say, they are really bad sentences. I don't know of an editor that would end a story "Nothing was ever the same again after that." Bleh! Sure, it leaves creative room for the many writers who are taking on this story, but at the same time, it's very cliche'.

I'm sticking with it for now. It's good to have a stimulating challenge, deadline, and a reason to go to a coffee shop!